Dysfunctional Past

Sometimes there seems to be the misunderstanding of the meaning or a vivid picture of what a dysfunctional family is or means? When we mention dysfunction in an individual or group of people we see it as something or someone that is not normal or acts out of the normal swing of things.

In dysfunctional families the root cause of the dysfunction stems from a strain of abuse or a number of abusing traits. This is sometimes passed on from generation to generation. It can consist of alcohol abuse, other substance abuse as well as sexual, verbal, physical and psychological abuse. This in the long term affects who we become and what we become in our future lives. As has mentioned in previous articles, it is surveyed that up to 90% of us come from some form of dysfunctional background. Dysfunctional traits are memorized and tainted to our subconscious mind after being subjected to this on an ongoing basis and normally starts in childhood. As a child who comes from a dysfunctional family background may find it confusing sometimes as well when subjected to other family backgrounds and interactions that appear normal, or abnormal in their eyes, thinking they come from a normal environment and the others not. Feelings of guilt, inferiority complexes, low self esteems, false sense of security and confidence are all spin-offs and after effects of dysfunctional behavior and exposure.

Depending on the form of dysfunction experienced as a child, will determine the child’s behavior towards others or experiences as they grow up. Some may experience extreme loneliness. Some will act out and always be joking to create a cover for themselves. Some will even develop the exact same traits as to what they were subjected to, like becoming angry with others when things are not going their way. What-ever dysfunction is played out based on your experience as a child growing up will or has become part of your belief system that what you do is “o.k” while others who do the opposite are “not”. As we get older and maybe even marry and have our own kids, we will copycat dysfunctional behavior from the past and pass it on to our own family and kids. When we start acknowledging that we bear dysfunctional behavior patterns, we can then attempt to break the chain and the consequences of this dysfunction.

Another meaning of dysfunction is simply, something that does not work properly. As babies, kids, young adolescents, we learn our parent skills from our parents as they have learn't from their parents and there’s from there’s. What we learn about cultures, religion, personality traits, addictions, bad experiences and I believe most importantly, coping skills and consider the impact of these on us; if we fail to acknowledge these impacts, we will just continue to carry on the history born through the paths of our past. In some cases when we bestow negative traits onto our own children, we are merely living out our own negative past.

Some of the traits that are visible in children who are continually exposed to dysfunctional behavior from those they learn from are difficulty in handling frustrations, anger and ill feelings. They find it difficult to express their feelings and emotions as well as relaxing. They may be extreme and take on more responsibility than can be handled and do not handle approval and praise well. They are often hard on themselves and can feel lonely at times being withdrawn and becoming loners. They could have problems forming intimate relationships or may be drawn to abusive relationships themselves, later in life.

Some of us are fortunate to identify the dysfunctions for ourselves, yet this is sometimes only fully recognized later in adult life. As a child, you are merely just the pawn soaking in all that comes your way, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy and you form your own beliefs and understandings of these entities.
The best way to move onto the road to recovery from a dysfunctional past is to recognize it early. Then one needs to learn coping skills and this can be done through a counselor, life coach or therapist to transform these negatives into a more positive productive entity in one’s life. If one is prepared to acknowledge when one comes from dysfunctional background or past, prepared to confront and deal with these issues, one will obtain the ability to move beyond to become the person you were always meant to be and live your fullest life yet.

Even with dysfunctional backgrounds, we are all bound by choices. Those choices are bound to us and no one else. What drives us to live our fullest lives is simply the spin-off of the choices we make. To acknowledge our dysfunctional past and learn to deal with it, we will be in a better position to make better choices for our future.

In reality, no one ever makes or determines our choices and decisions. These come from within us and it is ultimately final. Others may try influence your choices and decisions, but yet again, it always comes back and is up to you!