Choice is not defined by others for you. Choice is defined by you alone. When you allow others to make choices for you, you give up your potential, power and ability to live your most authentic given life. In having said that, when we live our lives by our own choices, we also experience our own trials and tribulations which in effect become our compass that puts us on the course we choose to take based on how we choose to learn, or ignore the lessons that life bestows on us.
On our life journey, hurt and pain will be experience at some stages in our lives. When you are the cause of that pain, whether it is by deceit, betrayal or physical, as humans, there will be impact on your own life. When we are the cause of that pain we have the unique ability to punish ourselves, mind, body and soul. The truth is we allow ourselves to be punished. We make the choice to burden ourselves with guilt. We be-little our self worth and deem ourselves not worthy to be called upstanding human beings. The flip-side is we also have the choice to forgive ourselves, acknowledge our mistakes, take responsibility and then give ourselves a break.
The failure with us is we tend to look outside of us to seek redemption. We look for other means or person to give us the OK and that all is forgiven and alright so we can let go of the past. Unfortunately there are no redemption tickets out there! Even if your victim or entity has expressed forgiveness, the road to your own peace and recovery is up to you and only you to make that choice. As humans there are times when we don’t mean to hurt someone, but we do. When we look back and realize we acted out of character, regretting what we did because maybe we didn’t care what the consequences were or maybe thought it was right in the doing at that time, but feel the total opposite to it now, we experience regret, and we experience guilt. Guilt is just another feeling, emotion that you think you should not have. It’s uncomfortable, painful and has shame cast into the cauldron as well. If you cannot forgive yourself, effectively guilt will keep you locked into your past with no way of moving forward. Once again one can read all the self help books, attend counseling but the ultimate healing comes from one’s self in that you make the decision, the choice and are that you are ready to let it all go and put it behind you.
Remorse is a true reflection of expressing untold guilt. It is about being truly sorry about what it is you have done. It is about ownership, taking responsibility for your life and your deeds. Guilt, pain, remorse are all negative energies. Some people believe that they deserve to suffer guilt for the rest of their lives. They believe that by doing so, they will force themselves to becoming upstanding humans again. Sadly, inflicting pain and guilt onto ourselves and the negative energies created will never transform into anything positive by applying this mentality. All this does is create low self esteems, poor self image and all that is negative that goes with it. Guilt focuses on the person, not on the actual behavior of wrongdoing. To move forward, self forgiveness is the key. Take responsibility and attack the mistake; not yourself who committed the mistake. Focus on the behavior not the person.
We need to realize that forgiving ourselves is not stating that what we did was ok. What we are effectively doing is acknowledging that we are human. Humans make mistakes. Betrayal and deception is a state of mind. We are not born this way. It takes courage and strength to forgive others and yourself. Guilt is also a state of mind and if not attended to positively it can imprison you. Living with guilt and un-forgiveness has negative attributes and has been affiliated to diseases as well as cancer and heart conditions. By forgiving you create positive energy as well as boosting your whole being.
When we have truly forgiven, it allows us to embrace the lessons. You cannot change the past, but you can rewrite the present and the future. Sometimes there is truth in the saying that everything happens for a reason. It also means that as what is written in this article, whatever you have done that caused deception or betrayal, happened for a reason. It happened because we failed to look into ourselves and rather chose to look outside, elsewhere depending on something or someone to entertain our act of deception or betrayal, hence looking “outside”, hoping we will find answers to our issues, problems and life. We are all human. Big or small, we will all be tempted into the “darkness”, one way or another, in either mind, body or spirit.
You must be responsible for your own past, your pain, your happiness, and your life, right or wrong.
To repair any wrongs and live your life, it should start with self forgiveness.
It all starts with you. Own it!
Friday 1 July 2011
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Bad Habits & Reticular Activation System
A lot has been discussed about how our past affects our present as well as our future. Our values coupled with our belief system can move to create a focus area, of which there can be many resulting in as well as affecting our thinking which in turn creates our response, reaction or behavior which ultimately turns into results. Normally when results are negative, they are due to bad habits. For example negative thinking, belief of negative traits i.e. believing you are not worth anything, low self esteem, etc.
Plenty has been written about RAS (Reticular Activation System). For those not sure of what this is exactly, it simply forms a part of your brain. It decides for you what is processed consciously via your senses (sound, sight, smell, touch and taste) and what not. A good example of how unique and powerful RAS is; have you ever at a given moment set your mind on buying a certain new car. All of a sudden the exact same car seems to be on every street corner, maybe in different colors but they just seem to be all over! The reality is, they didn’t just appear, they have been around all the time. Before making the decision to buy a new car, it may not have been important to you; hence you have not taken note of the same car around you. Another example, have you ever been alone in a crowded room, with all the noise and hustle and bustle going on but you don’t really take note, yet you hear your name being mentioned, you straight away become alert to where or who called your name. Maybe you were wondering if anyone knew you were there subconsciously before your name was called. RAS brings to your attention what your brain considers important and also based on your conditioning, your value and belief system.
The beauty about the RAS is that it can be programmed by you to eliminate or re-program bad habits that have been developed. The secret to doing this is to firstly identify the bad habits and work through them one at a time and determine why it is important to change these habits as well as how you intend doing it. Once this is done, then one can put your RAS to work. The reality of this approach however, is that there is no quick fix. Remember your bad habits were not formed in a day. They have been formed over the years and will take hard work to eradicate them. It is not an easy task but the positive, it can be done and has been done by many before and will be done by many to come.
In theory it takes between 21 and 30 days to form a habit that will be ingrained in our thought processes, our brain, our doing. As you can see, it will take hard work to change a habit. To embark on this journey of breaking habits, reinventing ones elf, one needs to adopt a clear goal. A clear vision as well as a CAN DO spirit and attitude. Repetitive visualization as well as affirmations plays a big and vital role in this journey. Remember again, it has taken years to program all your habits and beliefs. Whatever has been going on inside of you has manifested into what you experienced on the outside. That is YOUR REALITY, YOUR RESULT. It’s a bitter pill to swallow if you have never taken the time to look within, maybe just choosing to play the “victim” instead. The good news is you can change it and it’s never too late to change! You can reprogram your RAS (Reticular Activation System).
Just a few words on affirmations. Never speak in the past or future tense. Speak your truth always in the present tense. Examples: I am successful, not, I will be successful. I am confident, not, I will be confident. Remember, your RAS (Reticular Activation System) processes what you feed it.
To embark on your journey to develop good habits and to move to being a more fulfilling self, one needs to commit to focusing on good habits. One needs to apply the efforts daily. Self evaluate your verbal communication as well as your thoughts constantly, daily and replace anything negative with positive. Be conscious of your RAS’s (Reticular Activation System) bad habits trying to override your efforts to create good habits daily. Set aside an hour of quiet time daily with no distractions and indulge in a feast of positive thinking, affirmations and visualization. Feed your RAS (Reticular Activation System). Start with small goals. Set off with what you wish to change and why you wish to change it.
Remember again it takes 21 to 30 days to form that habit! Use your RAS (Reticular Activation System) to help you achieve your better self.
As a life coach I have always said the answers we sometimes search long and hard for. Far and wide. They lie right here within each and one of us. Life coaches encourage the ability to look within. Books, knowledge and insight are not enough to live your fullest, greatest life. Personal introspection, perseverance and willingness to change and search out your inner desires, dreams and lives are what matters the most.
Plenty has been written about RAS (Reticular Activation System). For those not sure of what this is exactly, it simply forms a part of your brain. It decides for you what is processed consciously via your senses (sound, sight, smell, touch and taste) and what not. A good example of how unique and powerful RAS is; have you ever at a given moment set your mind on buying a certain new car. All of a sudden the exact same car seems to be on every street corner, maybe in different colors but they just seem to be all over! The reality is, they didn’t just appear, they have been around all the time. Before making the decision to buy a new car, it may not have been important to you; hence you have not taken note of the same car around you. Another example, have you ever been alone in a crowded room, with all the noise and hustle and bustle going on but you don’t really take note, yet you hear your name being mentioned, you straight away become alert to where or who called your name. Maybe you were wondering if anyone knew you were there subconsciously before your name was called. RAS brings to your attention what your brain considers important and also based on your conditioning, your value and belief system.
The beauty about the RAS is that it can be programmed by you to eliminate or re-program bad habits that have been developed. The secret to doing this is to firstly identify the bad habits and work through them one at a time and determine why it is important to change these habits as well as how you intend doing it. Once this is done, then one can put your RAS to work. The reality of this approach however, is that there is no quick fix. Remember your bad habits were not formed in a day. They have been formed over the years and will take hard work to eradicate them. It is not an easy task but the positive, it can be done and has been done by many before and will be done by many to come.
In theory it takes between 21 and 30 days to form a habit that will be ingrained in our thought processes, our brain, our doing. As you can see, it will take hard work to change a habit. To embark on this journey of breaking habits, reinventing ones elf, one needs to adopt a clear goal. A clear vision as well as a CAN DO spirit and attitude. Repetitive visualization as well as affirmations plays a big and vital role in this journey. Remember again, it has taken years to program all your habits and beliefs. Whatever has been going on inside of you has manifested into what you experienced on the outside. That is YOUR REALITY, YOUR RESULT. It’s a bitter pill to swallow if you have never taken the time to look within, maybe just choosing to play the “victim” instead. The good news is you can change it and it’s never too late to change! You can reprogram your RAS (Reticular Activation System).
Just a few words on affirmations. Never speak in the past or future tense. Speak your truth always in the present tense. Examples: I am successful, not, I will be successful. I am confident, not, I will be confident. Remember, your RAS (Reticular Activation System) processes what you feed it.
To embark on your journey to develop good habits and to move to being a more fulfilling self, one needs to commit to focusing on good habits. One needs to apply the efforts daily. Self evaluate your verbal communication as well as your thoughts constantly, daily and replace anything negative with positive. Be conscious of your RAS’s (Reticular Activation System) bad habits trying to override your efforts to create good habits daily. Set aside an hour of quiet time daily with no distractions and indulge in a feast of positive thinking, affirmations and visualization. Feed your RAS (Reticular Activation System). Start with small goals. Set off with what you wish to change and why you wish to change it.
Remember again it takes 21 to 30 days to form that habit! Use your RAS (Reticular Activation System) to help you achieve your better self.
As a life coach I have always said the answers we sometimes search long and hard for. Far and wide. They lie right here within each and one of us. Life coaches encourage the ability to look within. Books, knowledge and insight are not enough to live your fullest, greatest life. Personal introspection, perseverance and willingness to change and search out your inner desires, dreams and lives are what matters the most.
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Victim or Victor
The day we are born we develop, grow and become who we decide to be. It is all down to a matter of choice how we play out our present and future lives. What we become is what we choose to become. It is not a matter of we become or became this or that because so and so told us so. We are all masters of our own destiny. I reiterate that we are who we are today as individuals because of who we chose to be.
Sadly a lot of us being who we are and maybe not happy, satisfied or appreciative of whom we are or become, choose to find an escape route. One of those escape route is that of playing the victim. The victim is the one who finds him/herself in a sphere of negative mindset. They choose to avoid responsibility for their lives and rather choose to blame others and situations for where they find themselves and where they believe they might be headed. Victims delve in negative self talk. Their self talk consist of “cannot”, “its too difficult”, “its not possible”, “bad things always happens to me”, “when am I going to be lucky?”, “I can never do anything right!” or alternatively, “he/she is to blame”, “its their fault”, “I didn’t do it, they did it!” and on and on it goes with more and more negative self talk to compound their victim traits.
Victims often play out this role to seek attention and sympathy. Victims don’t go out there and make things happen but rather choose to go with the flow and whatever circumstances prevail. If it doesn’t roll in their favour then they are quick to delve back into their negative attitude towards where they find themselves. Once again we need to understand that whatever we do, choices we make, actions we take, we are sole masters of our destiny. There is a saying. If you can change your attitude for the better, you then also have the ability to change your life. If you have an attitude that you “cannot”, then rest assured you will live a life that revolves around not getting anywhere, not achieving much. If you however decide to do an about turn and change your attitude to “I can”, your world can be that of opportunities and positive things.
Some victims are quick to blame their upbringings, their circumstances, blaming parents for who they are and what they have become. The secret to becoming a victor instead of a victim is to acknowledge the pitfalls and negative memories of past. As hard as it seems, it can be worked through but we need to define what it was that created the negative, victim mindset. We need to acknowledge it. We need to accept and realize that as hurtful, painful or degrading it had been, we need to make peace and forgive that past. We may not have caused the act of hurt, pain or degradation yet we may have chosen to become a victim because of it. Sometimes forgiveness is one of your greatness human tools. By changing your mindset and rather choosing to become a survivor, a victor and move away from the status of victim which inevitably will take you to a dead end in your life, you then create the ability to welcome so much more that is positive into your life.
To escape the hold of being a victim, you need to understand that you need to do it yourself. As an individual human soul, we are answerable to no one else other than ourselves. You only move away from playing victim by changing your attitude towards yourself. No one else will do this. You need to encourage and motivate yourself to move beyond where you may currently find yourself. Only you can do this. This will take time, but continual management and acknowledgment of your attitude, your outlook and your desire to be a victor instead of a victim will take one step at a time. The beauty is, it can be done and many have succeeded. When we start taking responsibility for our successes as well as our failures, for our strengths as well as our weaknesses, for our victim mindset as well as our desire to be the victor, we then move into the sphere of self empowerment and greater things!
When great things happen in your life, you must remember, you made it happen. You had a hand in it!
Nobody is responsible for your life but only you. When you play victim it ultimately makes you nothing in this world. It forms barriers in you life. It places limitations on your ability to live your fullest life. It gives you a ticket to always find an excuse. It shadows your true desires, dreams and aspirations. You lose perspective and allow others to control your life. Don’t lose control. We are all gifted human beings with enough credits to take. Say no to be a victim. Say yes to be the victor! Take control of your greatest role in life yet!
Sadly a lot of us being who we are and maybe not happy, satisfied or appreciative of whom we are or become, choose to find an escape route. One of those escape route is that of playing the victim. The victim is the one who finds him/herself in a sphere of negative mindset. They choose to avoid responsibility for their lives and rather choose to blame others and situations for where they find themselves and where they believe they might be headed. Victims delve in negative self talk. Their self talk consist of “cannot”, “its too difficult”, “its not possible”, “bad things always happens to me”, “when am I going to be lucky?”, “I can never do anything right!” or alternatively, “he/she is to blame”, “its their fault”, “I didn’t do it, they did it!” and on and on it goes with more and more negative self talk to compound their victim traits.
Victims often play out this role to seek attention and sympathy. Victims don’t go out there and make things happen but rather choose to go with the flow and whatever circumstances prevail. If it doesn’t roll in their favour then they are quick to delve back into their negative attitude towards where they find themselves. Once again we need to understand that whatever we do, choices we make, actions we take, we are sole masters of our destiny. There is a saying. If you can change your attitude for the better, you then also have the ability to change your life. If you have an attitude that you “cannot”, then rest assured you will live a life that revolves around not getting anywhere, not achieving much. If you however decide to do an about turn and change your attitude to “I can”, your world can be that of opportunities and positive things.
Some victims are quick to blame their upbringings, their circumstances, blaming parents for who they are and what they have become. The secret to becoming a victor instead of a victim is to acknowledge the pitfalls and negative memories of past. As hard as it seems, it can be worked through but we need to define what it was that created the negative, victim mindset. We need to acknowledge it. We need to accept and realize that as hurtful, painful or degrading it had been, we need to make peace and forgive that past. We may not have caused the act of hurt, pain or degradation yet we may have chosen to become a victim because of it. Sometimes forgiveness is one of your greatness human tools. By changing your mindset and rather choosing to become a survivor, a victor and move away from the status of victim which inevitably will take you to a dead end in your life, you then create the ability to welcome so much more that is positive into your life.
To escape the hold of being a victim, you need to understand that you need to do it yourself. As an individual human soul, we are answerable to no one else other than ourselves. You only move away from playing victim by changing your attitude towards yourself. No one else will do this. You need to encourage and motivate yourself to move beyond where you may currently find yourself. Only you can do this. This will take time, but continual management and acknowledgment of your attitude, your outlook and your desire to be a victor instead of a victim will take one step at a time. The beauty is, it can be done and many have succeeded. When we start taking responsibility for our successes as well as our failures, for our strengths as well as our weaknesses, for our victim mindset as well as our desire to be the victor, we then move into the sphere of self empowerment and greater things!
When great things happen in your life, you must remember, you made it happen. You had a hand in it!
Nobody is responsible for your life but only you. When you play victim it ultimately makes you nothing in this world. It forms barriers in you life. It places limitations on your ability to live your fullest life. It gives you a ticket to always find an excuse. It shadows your true desires, dreams and aspirations. You lose perspective and allow others to control your life. Don’t lose control. We are all gifted human beings with enough credits to take. Say no to be a victim. Say yes to be the victor! Take control of your greatest role in life yet!
Wednesday 15 June 2011
Dysfunctional Past
Sometimes there seems to be the misunderstanding of the meaning or a vivid picture of what a dysfunctional family is or means? When we mention dysfunction in an individual or group of people we see it as something or someone that is not normal or acts out of the normal swing of things.
In dysfunctional families the root cause of the dysfunction stems from a strain of abuse or a number of abusing traits. This is sometimes passed on from generation to generation. It can consist of alcohol abuse, other substance abuse as well as sexual, verbal, physical and psychological abuse. This in the long term affects who we become and what we become in our future lives. As has mentioned in previous articles, it is surveyed that up to 90% of us come from some form of dysfunctional background. Dysfunctional traits are memorized and tainted to our subconscious mind after being subjected to this on an ongoing basis and normally starts in childhood. As a child who comes from a dysfunctional family background may find it confusing sometimes as well when subjected to other family backgrounds and interactions that appear normal, or abnormal in their eyes, thinking they come from a normal environment and the others not. Feelings of guilt, inferiority complexes, low self esteems, false sense of security and confidence are all spin-offs and after effects of dysfunctional behavior and exposure.
Depending on the form of dysfunction experienced as a child, will determine the child’s behavior towards others or experiences as they grow up. Some may experience extreme loneliness. Some will act out and always be joking to create a cover for themselves. Some will even develop the exact same traits as to what they were subjected to, like becoming angry with others when things are not going their way. What-ever dysfunction is played out based on your experience as a child growing up will or has become part of your belief system that what you do is “o.k” while others who do the opposite are “not”. As we get older and maybe even marry and have our own kids, we will copycat dysfunctional behavior from the past and pass it on to our own family and kids. When we start acknowledging that we bear dysfunctional behavior patterns, we can then attempt to break the chain and the consequences of this dysfunction.
Another meaning of dysfunction is simply, something that does not work properly. As babies, kids, young adolescents, we learn our parent skills from our parents as they have learn't from their parents and there’s from there’s. What we learn about cultures, religion, personality traits, addictions, bad experiences and I believe most importantly, coping skills and consider the impact of these on us; if we fail to acknowledge these impacts, we will just continue to carry on the history born through the paths of our past. In some cases when we bestow negative traits onto our own children, we are merely living out our own negative past.
Some of the traits that are visible in children who are continually exposed to dysfunctional behavior from those they learn from are difficulty in handling frustrations, anger and ill feelings. They find it difficult to express their feelings and emotions as well as relaxing. They may be extreme and take on more responsibility than can be handled and do not handle approval and praise well. They are often hard on themselves and can feel lonely at times being withdrawn and becoming loners. They could have problems forming intimate relationships or may be drawn to abusive relationships themselves, later in life.
Some of us are fortunate to identify the dysfunctions for ourselves, yet this is sometimes only fully recognized later in adult life. As a child, you are merely just the pawn soaking in all that comes your way, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy and you form your own beliefs and understandings of these entities.
The best way to move onto the road to recovery from a dysfunctional past is to recognize it early. Then one needs to learn coping skills and this can be done through a counselor, life coach or therapist to transform these negatives into a more positive productive entity in one’s life. If one is prepared to acknowledge when one comes from dysfunctional background or past, prepared to confront and deal with these issues, one will obtain the ability to move beyond to become the person you were always meant to be and live your fullest life yet.
Even with dysfunctional backgrounds, we are all bound by choices. Those choices are bound to us and no one else. What drives us to live our fullest lives is simply the spin-off of the choices we make. To acknowledge our dysfunctional past and learn to deal with it, we will be in a better position to make better choices for our future.
In reality, no one ever makes or determines our choices and decisions. These come from within us and it is ultimately final. Others may try influence your choices and decisions, but yet again, it always comes back and is up to you!
In dysfunctional families the root cause of the dysfunction stems from a strain of abuse or a number of abusing traits. This is sometimes passed on from generation to generation. It can consist of alcohol abuse, other substance abuse as well as sexual, verbal, physical and psychological abuse. This in the long term affects who we become and what we become in our future lives. As has mentioned in previous articles, it is surveyed that up to 90% of us come from some form of dysfunctional background. Dysfunctional traits are memorized and tainted to our subconscious mind after being subjected to this on an ongoing basis and normally starts in childhood. As a child who comes from a dysfunctional family background may find it confusing sometimes as well when subjected to other family backgrounds and interactions that appear normal, or abnormal in their eyes, thinking they come from a normal environment and the others not. Feelings of guilt, inferiority complexes, low self esteems, false sense of security and confidence are all spin-offs and after effects of dysfunctional behavior and exposure.
Depending on the form of dysfunction experienced as a child, will determine the child’s behavior towards others or experiences as they grow up. Some may experience extreme loneliness. Some will act out and always be joking to create a cover for themselves. Some will even develop the exact same traits as to what they were subjected to, like becoming angry with others when things are not going their way. What-ever dysfunction is played out based on your experience as a child growing up will or has become part of your belief system that what you do is “o.k” while others who do the opposite are “not”. As we get older and maybe even marry and have our own kids, we will copycat dysfunctional behavior from the past and pass it on to our own family and kids. When we start acknowledging that we bear dysfunctional behavior patterns, we can then attempt to break the chain and the consequences of this dysfunction.
Another meaning of dysfunction is simply, something that does not work properly. As babies, kids, young adolescents, we learn our parent skills from our parents as they have learn't from their parents and there’s from there’s. What we learn about cultures, religion, personality traits, addictions, bad experiences and I believe most importantly, coping skills and consider the impact of these on us; if we fail to acknowledge these impacts, we will just continue to carry on the history born through the paths of our past. In some cases when we bestow negative traits onto our own children, we are merely living out our own negative past.
Some of the traits that are visible in children who are continually exposed to dysfunctional behavior from those they learn from are difficulty in handling frustrations, anger and ill feelings. They find it difficult to express their feelings and emotions as well as relaxing. They may be extreme and take on more responsibility than can be handled and do not handle approval and praise well. They are often hard on themselves and can feel lonely at times being withdrawn and becoming loners. They could have problems forming intimate relationships or may be drawn to abusive relationships themselves, later in life.
Some of us are fortunate to identify the dysfunctions for ourselves, yet this is sometimes only fully recognized later in adult life. As a child, you are merely just the pawn soaking in all that comes your way, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy and you form your own beliefs and understandings of these entities.
The best way to move onto the road to recovery from a dysfunctional past is to recognize it early. Then one needs to learn coping skills and this can be done through a counselor, life coach or therapist to transform these negatives into a more positive productive entity in one’s life. If one is prepared to acknowledge when one comes from dysfunctional background or past, prepared to confront and deal with these issues, one will obtain the ability to move beyond to become the person you were always meant to be and live your fullest life yet.
Even with dysfunctional backgrounds, we are all bound by choices. Those choices are bound to us and no one else. What drives us to live our fullest lives is simply the spin-off of the choices we make. To acknowledge our dysfunctional past and learn to deal with it, we will be in a better position to make better choices for our future.
In reality, no one ever makes or determines our choices and decisions. These come from within us and it is ultimately final. Others may try influence your choices and decisions, but yet again, it always comes back and is up to you!
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Negativity
Every day is a gift. What we choose to do and how we embrace it as individuals determines our outcome. I believe we all have a purpose in life. It is not about what you can do for yourself but what you can do for others. It is not about being rich but rather how you go about getting rich. It is not about how good you are in what you do but rather how good you are in getting others to realize how great they are. It’s not about the difference you make to yourself but rather the difference you bring out in others. The world today is full of war, mayhem and disasters. The media bombards their listeners and viewers with this negative hype. They sometimes blow some of the stories right out of context for the sake of sensationalism and selling their news papers as well as increasing viewer ratings. People feed on this because they can somewhat “relate” to the negativity. Their own lives are filled with negative intuitions so it becomes or seen as an attracting factor. Media giants and their marketing departments know this therefore why not capitalize on it! No wonder the world could be deemed negative and we have negative outlooks towards the world.
However, amongst us there are successful individuals who have discovered the art of turning negative situations into positive. They are people just like every one of us. There are people that have had a privileged life by association. There are people that have faced adversity and come out at the top. There are people whom others believed would amount to nothing but proved all critics wrong. They all have one thing in common; a strongly developed belief system that runs on a positive parallel. They believe that where there is a wrong, there is a right. Where there is “cannot” there is a “can”! Where there is a will, there is a way. They believe that failure is the fuel to success. We all have the life choice of being one of them!
We have all heard the mantra, “what you believe, you will conceive”. When one of my clients is battling with a decision or stalling in his/her development, I ask a question. “If you put aside all monies, cost involved. If you had everything that could assist you to make your decision, the tools you need, forgetting for a moment if you had it or not. If you believed you could do what you are struggling to decide to do. If you set your mind to doing, what would your answer be?” As human beings we have the unique ability to adapt to our situations and needs. The difference is between those that choose to adapt and those that don’t. What I am saying is that if you truly believe that you will amount to nothing in this life, you will adapt to this thought and thus become it as well as live it. If however you believe you have plenty to offer and can give something with passion and love, you will adapt to this call in life. Self gratification obtained from this belief of offering will feed your passion. The law of attraction says what you give, is what you get in return. The same goes for the reverse of that. What you don’t give is what you will not be given in return!
Every day is a gift. So why should we accommodate or entertain negative thoughts and practices? Unfortunately, our lives are surrounded by it and the reality is that we cannot eliminate all of it. However, we can become more conscious of our surroundings, what we are exposed to and what affects us in negative ways. Start today! Steer clear of negative people, negative media and negative surroundings. Negativity breeds negative thoughts, actions, practices and habits. Tune into your train of thoughts, into your subconscious. Listen to what it is telling you. If reading the news paper or watching the eight o clock news leaves you feeling stressed, agitated or unhappy, rather steer away from these negative triggers and indulge in pastimes that yield positive, happy, peace of mind results. Consider reading motivational books rather than reading news papers full of bad news. Consider pursuing a hobby that brings out your creative side. Spend time with loved ones and engage in positive talk like how each one’s day had turned out.
A good practice in creating positive forum and creating positive outcomes is where I encourage families to talk more often. Each member of the household get together as a group at the end of their day and share by starting off with one negative thing that happened to them in their day and two positive things thereafter. It is called the “high low” self awareness practice. Note: one low and two highs. You always finish on a high! One of our biggest faults as human beings is that we are quick to remember the bad but always seem to struggle remembering the good. By doing this exercise of “high low” we create the ability and habit of embracing our greatness and also realize we are unique human beings. We all have the ability to change our circumstances when we realize that we are capable of doing great things.
Remember our actions, always starts with a thought. I have mentioned we live in a world of negativity that is all around us at times, low self esteem, poor self images, and lack of confidence. We choose the habit of accepting things as they are. Being a positive human being and remaining so is no easy task whilst contending within a negative arena. When we are negative, we go in search of answers that we believe are “out there”. When we are battling with this negativity, a vast number of us go in search of that happiness elsewhere. We look for it in someone else who may care to take note.
In relationships or marriages, affairs take place. If you are the one committing the affair, you normally want to blame the spouse for why it happened. Yet, the reality is you have not looked within yourselves to determine the reason why the affair took place or could take place. We try and come up with superficial reasoning which we know deep down are not the actual reasons. We try and give ourselves “out-side” answers to justify our actions. We don’t practice actual reasoning or communicate this but go ahead and pursue it believing the answers will come from “out there”. Invariably they don’t. The answers only come from within.
We can also look for it in something that may be materialistic believing it will satisfy you. The truth is, when we look outside of ourselves, the happiness is only temporary. The path to true happiness only lies within us.
Life coaches assist you in bringing out that truth, your truth.
You cannot “conquer the world” until you have “conquered yourself”. Deep self awareness and self acknowledgment is the key to living your purpose given life.
However, amongst us there are successful individuals who have discovered the art of turning negative situations into positive. They are people just like every one of us. There are people that have had a privileged life by association. There are people that have faced adversity and come out at the top. There are people whom others believed would amount to nothing but proved all critics wrong. They all have one thing in common; a strongly developed belief system that runs on a positive parallel. They believe that where there is a wrong, there is a right. Where there is “cannot” there is a “can”! Where there is a will, there is a way. They believe that failure is the fuel to success. We all have the life choice of being one of them!
We have all heard the mantra, “what you believe, you will conceive”. When one of my clients is battling with a decision or stalling in his/her development, I ask a question. “If you put aside all monies, cost involved. If you had everything that could assist you to make your decision, the tools you need, forgetting for a moment if you had it or not. If you believed you could do what you are struggling to decide to do. If you set your mind to doing, what would your answer be?” As human beings we have the unique ability to adapt to our situations and needs. The difference is between those that choose to adapt and those that don’t. What I am saying is that if you truly believe that you will amount to nothing in this life, you will adapt to this thought and thus become it as well as live it. If however you believe you have plenty to offer and can give something with passion and love, you will adapt to this call in life. Self gratification obtained from this belief of offering will feed your passion. The law of attraction says what you give, is what you get in return. The same goes for the reverse of that. What you don’t give is what you will not be given in return!
Every day is a gift. So why should we accommodate or entertain negative thoughts and practices? Unfortunately, our lives are surrounded by it and the reality is that we cannot eliminate all of it. However, we can become more conscious of our surroundings, what we are exposed to and what affects us in negative ways. Start today! Steer clear of negative people, negative media and negative surroundings. Negativity breeds negative thoughts, actions, practices and habits. Tune into your train of thoughts, into your subconscious. Listen to what it is telling you. If reading the news paper or watching the eight o clock news leaves you feeling stressed, agitated or unhappy, rather steer away from these negative triggers and indulge in pastimes that yield positive, happy, peace of mind results. Consider reading motivational books rather than reading news papers full of bad news. Consider pursuing a hobby that brings out your creative side. Spend time with loved ones and engage in positive talk like how each one’s day had turned out.
A good practice in creating positive forum and creating positive outcomes is where I encourage families to talk more often. Each member of the household get together as a group at the end of their day and share by starting off with one negative thing that happened to them in their day and two positive things thereafter. It is called the “high low” self awareness practice. Note: one low and two highs. You always finish on a high! One of our biggest faults as human beings is that we are quick to remember the bad but always seem to struggle remembering the good. By doing this exercise of “high low” we create the ability and habit of embracing our greatness and also realize we are unique human beings. We all have the ability to change our circumstances when we realize that we are capable of doing great things.
Remember our actions, always starts with a thought. I have mentioned we live in a world of negativity that is all around us at times, low self esteem, poor self images, and lack of confidence. We choose the habit of accepting things as they are. Being a positive human being and remaining so is no easy task whilst contending within a negative arena. When we are negative, we go in search of answers that we believe are “out there”. When we are battling with this negativity, a vast number of us go in search of that happiness elsewhere. We look for it in someone else who may care to take note.
In relationships or marriages, affairs take place. If you are the one committing the affair, you normally want to blame the spouse for why it happened. Yet, the reality is you have not looked within yourselves to determine the reason why the affair took place or could take place. We try and come up with superficial reasoning which we know deep down are not the actual reasons. We try and give ourselves “out-side” answers to justify our actions. We don’t practice actual reasoning or communicate this but go ahead and pursue it believing the answers will come from “out there”. Invariably they don’t. The answers only come from within.
We can also look for it in something that may be materialistic believing it will satisfy you. The truth is, when we look outside of ourselves, the happiness is only temporary. The path to true happiness only lies within us.
Life coaches assist you in bringing out that truth, your truth.
You cannot “conquer the world” until you have “conquered yourself”. Deep self awareness and self acknowledgment is the key to living your purpose given life.
Tuesday 7 June 2011
Fears
Fear is probably our biggest hurdle in life. Imagine a world of absolute no fear! Go on, imagine! Was it easy to imagine, or were you just getting there, then your mind was filtrated by one, or more or many negative visions, thoughts or “walls”? Yes, our minds have been programmed to fear according to what we have been and are subjected to in our lives, exposed to and to what extent our belief system processes it.
There are many definitions of the word fear, and I picked out four of my favorites. Fear is: False evidence appearing real. Fear is: Forget everything and run! Fear is: Failure expected and received. Fear is: Find excuses and reasons. If one reads through those statements again, one will see that the word FEAR and its definitions, has pretty much the same negative connotations.
I have mentioned in previous articles that most of our belief systems are derived from early childhood and reinforced as we grow older. On recent studies and readings, theorists depict that between 80 to 90 percent of us come from dysfunctional families. A good definition of this is where you have a family where there is little or no practice of unconditional love continuously. We learn what we do as kids from our parents and they from there’s and there’s from them. Whatever those before you had experienced, good or bad that impacted their lives and belief systems, you are bound to learn from them. From religion to what is good and what is bad for you. How we are conditioned and programmed continue in our own homes. Ever have an experience where your parents would scold you for something you did that you believed was not wrong and after that be told by your parents you should listen to them more often, as “they know best”? Well, if you did the same thing over and were scolded more often, you would and could have ended up believing that what you were doing was wrong but innocently you could have been right. You would have also developed a belief of fear on doing the right or wrong thing. We often didn’t agree with our parents at a young age, but “you will do as your parents say”, was common programming.
If you are married with kids, take a moment and try recall if you have bestowed any of your parent’s habits onto your own kids. Experts claim that up to the age of five years we process an equivalent of twenty thousand hours of parental recordings and programs. This would center on our subconscious mind, what we believe, what is wrong or right, how we see things in life, how we should conduct ourselves as well as our communication skills and how we express our emotions. As we mature into adults, we are subjected to more experiences that will add to or reinforce our belief systems on how we view the world and what we “should fear”.
Remember as babies, as kids we do not have a wealth of knowledge, life experience to lean or pull on. At this time whatever you hear, experience or learn, you will accept as the truth. Your truth. This will form your belief system. Even when you get older, whatever it is you may learn that is new after-wards will in most cases take second spot to your firstly acquired belief. We sometimes don’t want to try something new because we fear failure. The fear of failure stems from experiences of failure and how they impacted you in your early past. You could have been scolded, you could have been ridiculed, and you could have even succeeded in something but were told you could do better. Fear of failure doesn’t just appear. It is attached to earlier life experiences, sensations and emotions that could also coincide with an earlier belief system relating to failure. Fear is man-made. We are not born with it.
To overcome fear, we need to understand fear. We need to understand its origin. We need to question our beliefs about fear. We need to acknowledge what it does to us and we need to determine if that fear is valid.
Once we acknowledge all of this, we can work on denying that fear the ability to control us. This takes courage and willingness, practice and patience. Fear that is invalid requires building a new belief system around it to eradicate such fear. This can also be done with the help or assistance of a counselor or life coach.
We all have a purpose in life. Our purpose is not determined by anyone or anything. Our purpose is determined by us alone. One who chooses to live his life by fear will fail in his endeavor to live his life of purpose. Quote: Clint le Roux
There are many definitions of the word fear, and I picked out four of my favorites. Fear is: False evidence appearing real. Fear is: Forget everything and run! Fear is: Failure expected and received. Fear is: Find excuses and reasons. If one reads through those statements again, one will see that the word FEAR and its definitions, has pretty much the same negative connotations.
I have mentioned in previous articles that most of our belief systems are derived from early childhood and reinforced as we grow older. On recent studies and readings, theorists depict that between 80 to 90 percent of us come from dysfunctional families. A good definition of this is where you have a family where there is little or no practice of unconditional love continuously. We learn what we do as kids from our parents and they from there’s and there’s from them. Whatever those before you had experienced, good or bad that impacted their lives and belief systems, you are bound to learn from them. From religion to what is good and what is bad for you. How we are conditioned and programmed continue in our own homes. Ever have an experience where your parents would scold you for something you did that you believed was not wrong and after that be told by your parents you should listen to them more often, as “they know best”? Well, if you did the same thing over and were scolded more often, you would and could have ended up believing that what you were doing was wrong but innocently you could have been right. You would have also developed a belief of fear on doing the right or wrong thing. We often didn’t agree with our parents at a young age, but “you will do as your parents say”, was common programming.
If you are married with kids, take a moment and try recall if you have bestowed any of your parent’s habits onto your own kids. Experts claim that up to the age of five years we process an equivalent of twenty thousand hours of parental recordings and programs. This would center on our subconscious mind, what we believe, what is wrong or right, how we see things in life, how we should conduct ourselves as well as our communication skills and how we express our emotions. As we mature into adults, we are subjected to more experiences that will add to or reinforce our belief systems on how we view the world and what we “should fear”.
Remember as babies, as kids we do not have a wealth of knowledge, life experience to lean or pull on. At this time whatever you hear, experience or learn, you will accept as the truth. Your truth. This will form your belief system. Even when you get older, whatever it is you may learn that is new after-wards will in most cases take second spot to your firstly acquired belief. We sometimes don’t want to try something new because we fear failure. The fear of failure stems from experiences of failure and how they impacted you in your early past. You could have been scolded, you could have been ridiculed, and you could have even succeeded in something but were told you could do better. Fear of failure doesn’t just appear. It is attached to earlier life experiences, sensations and emotions that could also coincide with an earlier belief system relating to failure. Fear is man-made. We are not born with it.
To overcome fear, we need to understand fear. We need to understand its origin. We need to question our beliefs about fear. We need to acknowledge what it does to us and we need to determine if that fear is valid.
Once we acknowledge all of this, we can work on denying that fear the ability to control us. This takes courage and willingness, practice and patience. Fear that is invalid requires building a new belief system around it to eradicate such fear. This can also be done with the help or assistance of a counselor or life coach.
We all have a purpose in life. Our purpose is not determined by anyone or anything. Our purpose is determined by us alone. One who chooses to live his life by fear will fail in his endeavor to live his life of purpose. Quote: Clint le Roux
Monday 30 May 2011
Self Sabotage
Have you ever had an experience where you get the opportunity to start a project, a task, something important? You start off well, full of ideas, full of enthusiasm, full of excitement! As you get or move further into the realm of the task you committed yourself into doing, you find the excitement, the enthusiasm, the ideas being replaced by negative thoughts and talk along with lack of desire or excitement. Has this ever happened?
Yes, it happens to more of us than we care to know. The scenario as quoted plays out in our everyday lives without us even noticing that it is happening. Yet most of the time we choose not to notice rather than indicating that we are not noticing it. This act of allowing ourselves to misplace our minds, our subconscious in the negative contexts as per example presented is also known as self sabotage.
Why can we not be positive about everything or anything? The human mind, the subconscious is like a massive hall of cabinets with filing systems for any and every conceivable category of your life. Everything you experience, every one of your senses available that experiences a taste, sight, sound, smell, sensation, emotions, is recorded and filed in your filing system of your mind. Along with this a belief system is formed regarding the experience. This mostly occurs in childhood years and sometimes reinforced as we get older. Have you ever listened to a piece of music in your adult years finding yourself being transported back in time to an occasion that was happy times or made you feel sad? Your memory, your “filing cabinet” was opened to the occasion. All it required was a trigger. The piece of music or the sound sensations were the trigger effects.
Where am I going with all of this? Self Sabotage works very much the same way or in similar ways. We have all heard the saying, what you believe you will conceive. Let me use an example. One of my clients I have been working with came to me with the concern and seeking answers to her questions of why she could not have long lasting relationships. Every time she started a new relationship it would last for a few months and then she would end it. After working through a series of questions, exercises and discussions the following outcome was derived. As a child my client was known as the tom boyish nerdy type individual. She was continually teased and ridiculed and was often told that she would not find a boyfriend or would not be found to be attractive to the opposite sex. Even her parents would tease her but not in a vindictive way around family and friend gatherings. As she grew older she hardly entertained the opposite sex and chose to withdraw being shy and reserved. Every time someone would inquire if she was in a relationship or when was she going to start going out with the opposite sex, it would be an awkward moment, sometimes uncomfortable for my client. When she started living on her own, she decided one day to take up an offer of a date and this resulted into a relationship, one of many. She could not keep a relationship for longer than a few months.
The basic conclusion to her problem was that when she started dating, she stepped out of the realism of her subconscious mind for the moment, only to be brought back by her belief system. Even though my client is an attractive and well educated woman her belief system was that she was the tom boyish nerd and wasn’t deserving of someone of the opposite sex, never mind a relationship. When the relationship was going well, she would self sabotage the relationship with her negative belief system. Go to the belief system in the “tom boyish nerdy girl” file. What you believe, is what you will conceive.
Self sabotage can present themselves in a number of areas in one’s life. It can be relationships, money, personal success or even health.
If you are trying hard to achieve something but cannot seem to move beyond a certain point or if you are close to achieving a goal and then give up on it or you seem to have it all and then just let it be thrown away, then you are indulging in self sabotaging behavior. Self sabotage is all due to a negative or limiting belief system.
Yes, it happens to more of us than we care to know. The scenario as quoted plays out in our everyday lives without us even noticing that it is happening. Yet most of the time we choose not to notice rather than indicating that we are not noticing it. This act of allowing ourselves to misplace our minds, our subconscious in the negative contexts as per example presented is also known as self sabotage.
Why can we not be positive about everything or anything? The human mind, the subconscious is like a massive hall of cabinets with filing systems for any and every conceivable category of your life. Everything you experience, every one of your senses available that experiences a taste, sight, sound, smell, sensation, emotions, is recorded and filed in your filing system of your mind. Along with this a belief system is formed regarding the experience. This mostly occurs in childhood years and sometimes reinforced as we get older. Have you ever listened to a piece of music in your adult years finding yourself being transported back in time to an occasion that was happy times or made you feel sad? Your memory, your “filing cabinet” was opened to the occasion. All it required was a trigger. The piece of music or the sound sensations were the trigger effects.
Where am I going with all of this? Self Sabotage works very much the same way or in similar ways. We have all heard the saying, what you believe you will conceive. Let me use an example. One of my clients I have been working with came to me with the concern and seeking answers to her questions of why she could not have long lasting relationships. Every time she started a new relationship it would last for a few months and then she would end it. After working through a series of questions, exercises and discussions the following outcome was derived. As a child my client was known as the tom boyish nerdy type individual. She was continually teased and ridiculed and was often told that she would not find a boyfriend or would not be found to be attractive to the opposite sex. Even her parents would tease her but not in a vindictive way around family and friend gatherings. As she grew older she hardly entertained the opposite sex and chose to withdraw being shy and reserved. Every time someone would inquire if she was in a relationship or when was she going to start going out with the opposite sex, it would be an awkward moment, sometimes uncomfortable for my client. When she started living on her own, she decided one day to take up an offer of a date and this resulted into a relationship, one of many. She could not keep a relationship for longer than a few months.
The basic conclusion to her problem was that when she started dating, she stepped out of the realism of her subconscious mind for the moment, only to be brought back by her belief system. Even though my client is an attractive and well educated woman her belief system was that she was the tom boyish nerd and wasn’t deserving of someone of the opposite sex, never mind a relationship. When the relationship was going well, she would self sabotage the relationship with her negative belief system. Go to the belief system in the “tom boyish nerdy girl” file. What you believe, is what you will conceive.
Self sabotage can present themselves in a number of areas in one’s life. It can be relationships, money, personal success or even health.
If you are trying hard to achieve something but cannot seem to move beyond a certain point or if you are close to achieving a goal and then give up on it or you seem to have it all and then just let it be thrown away, then you are indulging in self sabotaging behavior. Self sabotage is all due to a negative or limiting belief system.
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